To offer consolation is an act of generosity.
Arthur Frank, The Renewal of Generosity
ANZAC Day: dodging the memorialisation of war by gardening, trying to distribute worm casts without ripping handfuls of living worms to bits. I’m feeling the dirt packed under my fingernails, and suddenly hearing Thom Gunn’s poem that skids to a stop on the matter of our cellular form: when we die and fall into the earth, we become dirt, and there is no intention in this, it just is.
This poem ends with the plants that consume and grow from what’s left of us. It reminds me of Sharon Olds’ meditation on the Challenger shuttle explosion (“What I want / to do is find each cell, / slip it out of the fishes’ mouths, / ash in the tree, / soot in your eyes’ ; see this post). These are the similar words I hear from Gunn’s poem while gardening with worms:
Cell after cell the plants convert / my special richness in the dirt: / all that they get, they get by chance / and multiply in ignorance
Thom Gunn, ‘The Unsettled Motorcyclist’s Vision of His Death‘
Seeing ahead to the material plainness of what comes after our own dying should change the way we live and work, not just for people of faith, but for all of us. We’re here for a short time, and our priorities should be our own. But it’s not a simple thing to untangle ourselves from the visions and imperatives imposed on us by institutions, families and culture, to create sufficient thinking space that we can understand what choices we can make, what agency we have, in the time we have left.
To develop our agency, our capacity for generous action, in institutional contexts that Arthur Frank describes as cultures of “menacing possibility”, we need to find and care for others who are thinking similarly.
In his book The Renewal of Generosity, Frank talks about the stories shared in healthcare as gifts that expand this space of possibility.
The resonance of stories is what they give beyond what they ostensibly tell. Stories of the generosity of ill people, doctors, and nurses can show what is possible for any of us at any time. That is their consolation.
He’s using the word consolation deliberately, in a passage of his thoughts on generosity. To Frank, the climate of demoralization in stressed organizations is one that invites us to find and care for one another through specific practices of generosity, hospitality and consolation. To console is to comfort, and in its origins there is a sense of withness. To this extent, it resembles empathy, but there’s a subtle difference in consolation. To console is to recognise otherness as the basis of suffering that is separate from our own, to care without the hubristic claim of empathy.
Stories shared do this precisely: they invite us to approach others with humility. They don’t demand reciprocity; to receive a story, it’s enough to listen. You don’t need to offer a story in return. Stories are occasions for hospitality: to receive what comes, to listen without judging, without necessarily joining in, but in the discipline of full attention. Stories don’t fool us into forgetting who we are: however moving they are, we never fully experience them as the person telling them. In accepting the gift of a story, we recognise and respect that the other person is who they are because of a singular and also politically shaped set of experiences that are not our own. Listening well teaches us that what we do share is a matter of process: the values of others are drawn from their living, just as our own are.
Two days ago I had the opportunity to think a bit about where stories sit amongst the principles of compassionate leadership, at a #compassionlab retreat organised in Victoria by Mary Freer. In 2016, Mary won a Westpac Fellowship to find out about how empathy and compassion are changing workplace cultures and organisations around the world, and now she’s back with ideas and energy to share. Mary is a visionary and gifted leader, passionate about our capacity for change, and highly persuasive: in her company, and the company of the friends she brings to training events, a good world not only seems possible, but likely.
On the way to the retreat, I spent quite a bit of time in the company of a young man driving a taxi. He told me his story, of coming to Australia from a rural Punjabi village, on the values that he lives by, and the values he admires in others. He told me about his family, the way older people are valued in his home community, his hopes for the future. He seemed to me to embody the “pragmatic optimist” that we learned about at #compassionlab—someone whose sense of hope for the future has a good grasp of resources, constraints and opportunities, who can take steps to act to bring about the future in intentional ways. Along the way he explained to me why temples offer free food, and about the cultural values behind feeding those who need feeding. He mapped out a cultural framework for continuous learning, and told me stories of other Sikhs who made him proud of who he wants to be in this world.
The gift he left with me, in his own words: that if there is to be a good world, a good future, it’s one we will make with our hands.
Two years ago this weekend. Another year.
Over the past days, Sister Helen Prejean has been actively campaigning on Twitter to protest the rushed executions of men on death row in Arkansas. I came across Sister Prejean during the time that Myuran Sukumaran was still living, and I came home from the retreat watching Australian death penalty activists sharing on Twitter the reminder that it’s two years ago since he was executed.
Sister Prejean’s tenacity is extraordinary. She is a skilful, articulate social media user, and she uses these channels unflinchingly to keep in public view the lives of those facing premeditated state killing, and the harm done to their families facing violent bereavement, often after years and years and years of delay. She uses faith and scripture, and generosity and hope, and every other thing available, to campaign until there isn’t a breath left. I don’t know how she holds herself up, but there she is, arguing exhaustedly and with conviction that the future can be remade at any moment, precisely because it’s in our hands.
I have a copy of a self-portrait by Myuran Sukumaran on my office noticeboard and I look at it every day. It reminds me to keep the future calmly in view, and in this way to try to meet it while still caring about something, believing that there is something to care about, whatever turns up.
And to meet it making something, growing something, with my own hands.
So much thanks to Mary Freer, Helen Prejean, and Jag, driving someone somewhere today, making a good world
As ever, thoughts with Mrs Sukumaran and the Sukumaran family.
Kate, this post has given me so much to think about! It leaves me reflecting on how I listen to others’ stories, how we can connect through storytelling and what it means to relate with those with whom we have the privilege of interacting.
I think that to “really listen” to another’s story is to connect it to one’s own story. When we do this, we begin to lose the ability to abstract ourselves from others and begin to see the kinship and affinity we all share.
Sometimes though, it’s hard to listen well. Listening takes dedication and focus and processing one’s own issues. I also think it’s important, particularly in listening to narratives of illness, to feel confident that you can handle what the storyteller is telling you.
This is a really important point, especially in listening to narratives of traumatic illness experience (or trauma of any kind). Thinking of your post on ethics processes, my feeling is that ethics monitoring tends to take a risk minimisation approach, which has some strengths. What I think we need is a fuller relational account of both harm and opportunity in opening ourselves to the challenge of listening well.
Lovely to see you here.
Hi Kate, (Writing here feels somehow like writing on the walls of your house) I’ve agonised over what to include in this reply – so this may be jumbled… Stories are everything, a book of memories, a script for the play yet to come, a tool – sort of music of words. I teach with stories, and what struck me first was a resonance with the gift of a story, and how listening can be enough. Yes, but for the storyteller, it can also be exhausting, and difficult to remember that listening is the gift you receive. I’ll explain (with a story): I teach a class called ‘lecture recital’ where people learn to tell a story, engage an audience, and make music. As the students get better at this, develop their content, and practise delivery- it strikes them how little they get in return from the audience in terms of feedback, obvious understanding, or really anything. It is not what we expect, but the listening is a gift. <– That's what I got from your post; I was reminded that listening IS a gift. It also doesn't come easy, and is something we have to learn. I learned it, certainly in part from my husband's grandfather: https://wp.me/p4Ng5z-MK (another story)
It also brings me back to the importance of the #smallstories we share. I would like to bring these out somehow. Perhaps in a growing online book that could be CC licensed and continually developing. …that's something I thought up just now. 🙂